Tuesday, November 5, 2013

THE PACKAGE


So this is what happens, one of those days when I return home after bunking swimming lessons, the Tagore twins were sitting on our divan in the living room, looking all identical and everything. You know about these twins; like it was not already embarrassing to have the same face as the other, how they freak you out with their identical green T-shirts, with the same stupid reindeer on them, and the same ‘Abercrombie Braves’ and all written on their chests. Now who the hell is Abercrombie anyways? I mean, whoever could come up with that name for her son was either plain stupid, or wasn’t feeling swell about the idea of having him is all I have to say on the matter. Now even 'Bubbly Kukreja' sounds better than that. Anyways, the twins were sitting on the divan like it was their home and everything. They are the only two dudes from Bhairav Nagar Colony who didn’t go to St. Michael’s. They go to the fancy-ass Redding Wasson High where the kids of all the embassy people went, co-ed and all. I guess Mr. Adhiraj Tagore has some fancy-ass job at the Irish embassy. Or was it Mrs. Shreyosi Tagore? I guess not, she only has a fancy ass- more like that hippo from Madagascar! The Tagore couple was pretty thick with Paa, so they came over most evenings and drank all night like blue whales, but their malnourished twins never came, up until now. Actually, I did not even know their names, but they went to the same Karate class as me, where I had a little incident with one of them although I’m not sure which of the two. I mean we had a little scuffle, which this guy blew out of proportion and reported as an “assault” to Master Saikia.

It happened during one of the practice sessions last week when this psycho sucker-punched me in my chest, even though that was the world’s lamest sucker punch ever. I mean it only did an awful lot of tickling in my ribs, that’s all. But then I stop the practice like a gentleman and ask the mental, why’d’ya sucker-punch me? He starts to act like he just lost his wallet and all and says, what do you mean I sucker-punched you? And- oh my God– trust me, he was the lousiest actor on the planet. I mean, he could be playing the part of that sheep in the nativity play and still stink to high heaven. But then I think I might not have been clear enough. So I say again- why did you sucker punch me in my ribs, you ape-shit? - this time, loud and clear, and there was no way in hell he didn’t hear any part of it. Then he says, just because you don’t know how to defend the chop, you can’t call people names, you sonuvabitch! Now you would have expected a slightly more civilized reply, he being from Redding Wasson High and everything. But he stooped way below my expectations with that lousy punch already. So I say, like hell it was a chop! And who’re you calling ‘sonuvabitch’, you lowlife guttersnipe! I actually know far worser swear words, you know, but somebody had to keep the cool here with the nutcase going all crazy. Then suddenly, unprovoked and all, he jumps at me, and starts to tug on my karategi like he was playing a pretty screwed-up version of Tarzan or something. The sight just broke my heart. So I say, let go you friggin psycho, let go! There was no way that dude would listen to me ‘cause he had already gone crazy. So I bite him on his neck till he lets me go. Then he goes even crazier and bawls, and roars like a dinosaur till I go deaf. Then Master Saikia comes running and pacifies him. By then he  was holding on his neck and writhing on the floor, overdoing his stuff as usual. To be frank, I thought Saikia would fix up a duel between us to settle scores, being a fight master and everything. But it turns out, he’s the world’s biggest chicken, and he makes us apologize to each other. I mean, c’mon! He made us shake hands even, and you might think things would’ve ended there. But that Tagore imbecile wouldn’t let go of things. He made all the losers from the Karate class call me ‘piranha’ from that day on. I guess he must‘ve had a seriously damaged childhood, or was hit by a car or something. Or he must be one of those special kids, I mean, like, they call the retarded ones. If there were a competition for ‘special’ kids and everything, he’d have bagged the first, the second and the third prize altogether, if you know what I mean. That’s the kind of special kid he was. Now after pulling all that show on me, he’s sitting on our divan with his brother like nothing ever happened. So I nod and say, whatsup! to them, at the same time wondering which of the two was the whack-job. One of them sits up straight in his green Abercrombie T-shirt with reindeer and gives me a whatsup! back. The other one, who was obviously the sucker-punch-specialist, continues to look up straight ahead like he didn’t notice busy being hit by a lightning or something (‘cause the last I checked, I was still visible). He was probably afraid I’d bite him again. So I give him a big ignore and ask the other one, who’s this Abercrombie? He says, Abercrombie of Abercrombie and Fitch. (God Almighty! Who’s Fitch now?) So I say, oh okay, Abercrombie from Abercrombie and Fitch! I didn’t know they split up. I mean, like, why just ‘Abercrombie’ now? He suddenly looks all puzzled and says, they just write it that way some time you don’t wanna know why, to which I say, maybe I don’t wanna know why! It was already boring me to death, but right then I get rescued, and to no good!

Maa, Raza’s here! Aaliya fiend, my evil sister, yells from the kitchen door. Then she walks up to me in a lousy slow-motion, chewing on her bubble gum double hard and all, and whispers in my ear, you’re in deep shit, you deep-shit! Then she goes and sits next to the sucker-punch-freak-of-nature like they were best friends and like they were gonna watch some show together. She’s worse than antichrist, and was sent to earth with the soul mission of torturing me. She motions towards the kitchen door and says, you’re wanted in there. Maa and Paa, and the Tagores are waiting! Why don’t you go deal with your shit Ra-haza-ha! She tries to make everything she says sound witty and all, except nobody gets the point, like, ever. I slowly proceed towards the kitchen, which is the biggest room in our house, if you wanna know why they always did these kinda meetings in there. In fact our dining room is smaller than our breakfast area alone, which is where all important discussions and decision makings of the house took place and which is exactly where these four were waiting for me- Maa and Paa and Mr. Tagore, dressed like he was some secret service agent, and Mrs. Tagore with all her gigantic breasts and everything (she was always telling you how she couldn’t wear any bra while she was pregnant with the twins as her boobs were so sore. So you are always trying to figure if she’s wearing one right now). So I enter and say, Hi maa! Hi paa! Hi Mr. Tagore! Hi Mrs. Tagore! They all give me back silence like in the films and everything.

Then Maa is the one who starts. She points on this small yellow box lying on the breakfast table and says, do you recognize this Raza? I say, no, I don’t. Then Paa says, today’s Wednesday, why’re you not in your swimming class?  Before I open my mouth this time, Maa interferes and says, the Tagores got this package by today’s mail, and it’s a box containing human feces! Now who’d do that? The Tagores are all silent and pretend like they were at a funeral and everything. Then I say, I swear to god, I don’t know! And I don’t know why you’re asking me! Maa makes a face and then continues, be honest beta, Maan and Maanvi are traumatized, but does this have anything to do with the Karate incident? Maanvi says you threatened her saying ‘things aren’t over yet’. We were just wondering if this was your way to get back at her! HER? I’m utterly mortified, Maanvi? I gather Maan and Maanvi are the twins, but the sucker-punch-specialist is a girl?! This is exactly the moment I feel like throwing myself under a bus. But then I change my mind and say, I feel so offended, Maa, that you should even think I was capable of sending somebody a box of my own crap. I don’t know why it’s so friggin important to rub my face into every mess around you that you are not happy with. Now Maa is all confused. She’s so clueless anyways. So she says, that tone’s totally unacceptable Raza, and you better be watching your language! At this point I get really angry with my old lady and I say, or what? You’re gonna send me to jail for that? Suddenly she looks all speechless and everything and says, I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about son! Then I get all Jack Nicholson about it and says, I’m not sure you know anything at all Maa! I’m not sure you even know why I bit their daughter, who I just got to know was their daughter and not their son, ‘cause I initially thought the twins were two boys, and not a girl and a boy, anyways, that doesn’t matter anymore. But I bit her ‘cause she provoked me by saying I was not your son. She said that I was somebody’s illegitimate child you guys took in and raised and everything. I got so angry Maa, I didn’t see doing what else made any sense. Then I started crying and all. I could do that at the drop of a hat, and I did that real well this time. Through the corner of my eyes I noticed Mrs. Shreyosi Tagore shaking in shock with her big boobs vibrating and all. In fact they were all shocked and silent, like somebody died. I was not done actually. So I turn to Paa and continue, I bunked the swimming lessons ‘cause that chlorine water was making my skin like the back of a fish, Paa. I was turning all scaly! They already call me piranha. Now I don’t wanna look like one too. This is the time when I’m supposed to break down but right then, Mrs. Tagore stands up shaking the glasses and plates, fuming and everything, and talks to herself, she has no right to say something so outrageous! What’s gotten into her? Then she straight hits the living room and yells at the ignorant twins, you both are grounded from today! And we’re leaving right now. She then gathers all her children in their green T-shirts with reindeers and ‘Abercrombie’ and all, and vanishes, forgetting to make that sucker-punch-bitch to apologize to me. She even forgets everything about the package. Or they all rightly thought it was well deserved. And I agree with them on that (although Aaliya fiend must have cut up her wrist and should be lying somewhere dead). Right before disappearing, the Maanvi dude turns around and shoots a blazing look at me, like it was supposed to incinerate me or something. I pay her homage by doing a Karate bow from behind my folks.

I did think there was a remote chance I might forgive her, but boy do I need my friggin head examined! She better go hide in some hole in Barkat Sarai ‘cause the war has just begun!
.
Also from the ‘Raza’ series;
MY BAD
SOLD OUT
THEN MARY FONDLY












For the complete RAZA series Click here


1 comment:

  1. LOL....are you serious about that box and the animosity? :O

    ReplyDelete

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